


A Monster From a Broken Heart

by srmiller



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: olicity - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-28
Updated: 2014-06-28
Packaged: 2018-02-06 14:27:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1861341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/srmiller/pseuds/srmiller
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I look at you, and I just love you, and it terrifies me. It terrifies me what I would do for you." - Alexandra Bracken, Never Fade</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Monster From a Broken Heart

He’s killed for her.

Mentally he shakes his head, he hasn’t killed _for_ her, which seems to imply it was something she required of him; what he’d done that night with the Count’s needle pressed against her neck was kill for himself.

Because he needed her, relied on her, was adrift without her as his compass and his conscience.

He refused to put a name to the emotion etching itself on to his heart, refused to label the desire to have her continually in his life because once he put a name to it, once he defined it _(even if just to himself)_ there would be no going back.

When they’d met he’d already forgotten how long he’d lived without his humanity, already forgotten what it was like to be human with a beating, vulnerable heart.

Then he’d met her, and the humanity he was certain he’d scraped away began to claw its way out of the depths of darkness with renewed vigor and becoming human again meant those terrible things he’d done while his soul had been locked away nearly broke him.

And perhaps it was some twisted sense of penance for the sins he’d committed, the blood he’d spilled, but everything in him screamed to keep her there, just over there, where he could see her but not have her. To keep her in his life without ruining hers with his sin.

She thought she understood, it was the in the touch of her hand and the  comfort in her eyes whenever he admitted to some new and sordid piece of his past, but she didn’t know what he was capable of, not really.

There were times he was certain she could never know.

But that was all a very convincing lie he’d almost managed to make himself believe, but there were moments when she was in danger he knew with absolute certainty what it was he felt, what it was he wanted.

And in those moments he knew why he couldn’t have her.

It wasn’t because of his sins, or his past, or his very real fear of hurting her, it was what he’d become if anything ever happened to her.

He’d killed to keep her alive, but if he’d missed or been too late or any other of a hundred different things…he didn’t want to think what would rise out of those ashes. Two years ago he’d become a killer for his father, for his city, for her-for _Felicity,_ he’d become a monster.

There would no stopping him, no controlling him. Not Digg’s words of wisdom nor Sara’s practical advice would be capable of talking him down or reining him in because vengeance’s voice would scream over it all and it would never matter again how much blood stained his hand.

So he kept her at a distance, held her away and never let on how much she meant to his humanity and his heart. Never letting on how much she meant to him.

Because maybe if he ignored these feeling long enough he would forget he felt them and the monster inside of him wouldn’t lash out if her heart stopped beating.

Maybe if he lied long enough it would become the truth.

But then again he’d never been very good at lying.


End file.
